For many, vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. But the truth is vulnerability is the enemy of shame and fear. There is nothing weak about bringing the things that live in the darkness into the light.
According to Brene Brown, vulnerability is the birthplace of everything we hunger for...
Closeness. Intimacy. Being heard. Loving. Being Loved. It all begins with the risk of opening our hearts. This is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship and CERTAINLY in marriage.
So just a few things about vulnerability in marriage:
FOR VULNERABILITY TO EXIST, THERE MUST BE SPACE HELD FOR EACH OTHER. Cultivating an atmosphere of vulnerability and transparency begins with creating a safe space in which each person can share their struggle, needs, hurts and triggers without fear of judgment, retaliation, defensiveness or rejection. Are you a good listener? Is your default to take offense or assume you're being attacked? The goal here is simply to hold the space. To let your spouse know you hear them. To let them feel loved and accepted in the midst of their vulnerability.
FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY TO GROW, GRACIOUS RESPONSE TO YOUR SPOUSE'S COURAGE TO BE VULNERABLE IS VITAL. How you respond to your spouse expressing his/her needs is crucial. As with unconditional love, there is an element of giving and expecting nothing in return. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. says satisfying your own emotional needs means putting your spouse's desires ahead of your own. This does not mean your needs are insignificant, but rather that we need to take responsibility for our own fulfillment. And the best way to do that is to consider and satisfy your spouse's needs first. Responding when your spouse expresses emotional and relational needs. Not that you can meet all of his/her emotional needs, but that placing their needs ahead of yours is the key. When both parties of the relationship are functioning from this posture, needs are being met, codependency is squashed and a robust, healthy partnership is formed.
VULNERABILITY MEANS TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED, SHARING YOUR RAW EMOTIONS AND TAKING A RISK IN SPITE OF PAST WOUNDS. Word of caution: talking about your needs is not synonymous with setting up expectations. Expectations can be killers. When we have an expectation that a husband or wife fulfill us, we set ourselves up for disappointment because no human being can satisfy another human being. Talking about your needs is simply communication. Letting your spouse in. Sharing raw emotions, taking emotional risks... it's all about knowing and being known... at our cores!
Vulnerability in marriage might best be described as a flow. Both parties giving and receiving but expecting nothing. That flow gets clogged when we don't do the work of self-care. Stress, anxiety, disappointment and lack can all lead to victim mentalities which lead to looking outside of ourselves for comfort and approval. A consistent practice of self-care - silence, meditation, prayer, hobbies, etc. - helps us stay in touch with our tendencies, our insecurities, our triggers and keeps our emotional tanks filled.
Vulnerability is the glue that holds a relationship together.
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