What is it to love another's soul and go from two to becoming one? To be so intertwined that you know the other's thoughts before they get a chance to speak them? Love is unconditional. It is loving someone on their worst day. And we all have worst days.
An integral part of love is acceptance. In their book, "The Zimzum of Love," Rob and Kristen Bell deliver the premise that love (and, subsequently, marriage) involves each person contracting to create space for the other to flourish. Love does not enter into a relationship with prayers and plans to change the other person. Love is simply creating space in your world for another person to be who they are. It's an opportunity to love and be loved with no conditions. It's a chance to take the energy you might exert to control and manipulate (with great intentions, mind you) and transfer that over to self-care and seeing/trusting God in the other.
Shane: I struggled with this concept early on in our marriage. I wouldn't say it this way then, but I think I thought if we could both respond to life that way I did, it would be much smoother sailing. I mean... not letting anything bother you is the way to win at life! Or so I thought. It's not anything I was setting out to do. It wasn't a laid out plan. I was simply trying to help her! Arrogant much? But what I was really doing was not hearing her. I was delivering a message that who she was wasn't going to work.
Jineen: I went through a time where I tried to get Shane to be "my girlfriend." He would say, "You want me to be your girlfriend and that's not gonna happen." I didn't understand in the earlier years of our marriage how important my girl time was. Like a lot of women, I want to vent and discuss certain things repeatedly, and I learned that Shane wasn't wired that way. It wasn't that he didn't want to listen, but he doesn't have the emotional capacity to engage in conversation the same way I would with my girlfriends or my sisters. Early on, I didn't understand it and took it personally.
All we were ever taught were some of the key differences between men and women. And, sure, there is some merit to that discussion. However, it can also be harmful to use such broad strokes and generalizations to communicate the nature and character of beings who are innately unique and individualistic. So when we say things like... "Women are emotional" or "Men only think about sex"... we are using pre-determined labels that set us up with expectations that may or may not be met. It's been said that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. Going into a relationship with the idea that "women are this way" or "men are that way" can potentially be a setup for disappointment that the story didn't unfold the way we had dreamed. That the prince didn't run away with the princess. That the happily-ever-after we had assigned to our future turned out to be a tragedy full of let-down and resentment.
How then do we enter into relationship? What would it look like for us to walk into a relationship with our arms wide open saying... "I love and accept you for who you are with no conditions, and I am expecting nothing in return." Almost doesn't sound realistic. But that's what love is. And if both people would come to the table from that posture, it would be the beginnings of a relationship that did not revolve around dependency, co-dependency, jealousy, comparison and control. But rather, it would be a relationship built on acceptance, encouragement, creating a safe space for the other to thrive and walking this short journey we call "life" side-by-side.
We were introduced to something just a few years ago that we wish we had known about early on in our marriage. Don't worry... it's not a pyramid scheme. Or any other business plan we'd love to sit down and talk with you about. No, no. It's a typology of the human personality called the Enneagram. We don't presume to be revealing this as new information to you as it is now a commonly used tool, but rather to share our experience with it and how it has significantly improved the way we talk, relate and respond to one another.
The Enneagram is a model of nine interconnected personality types. We are not going to dig into the details in this post but wanted to share just a bit of how it has impacted us with the hopes of encouraging you to look into it. It is a beautiful tool for both helping you make some sense of why you are the way you are, and it will give you a glimpse into how and why your partner reacts, responds and views the world.
Shane is a 9 which is the Peacemaker. In general, Type 9's seek harmony and are inclusive, amiable, easygoing, comfortable and steady; they also can be self-forgetting, conflict-avoidant and stubborn. Jineen is a 4 which is the Individualist. Generally, Type 4's are idealistic, deeply feeling, empathetic and authentic; they also can be dramatic, moody and sometimes self-absorbed.
Shane: Learning that I was a 9 on the Enneagram really put words to a lot of the ways I responded to different situations, how I interacted with other people, why I default to emotional shutdown, and so much more. It really has given me a greater awareness of why I am the way I am. Knowing that Jineen is a 4 has helped me see her for who she is. It has helped me avoid wanting her to respond and react to life the same way I do. Essentially, this awareness has helped me to let her be exactly who she is... and to celebrate the differences.
Jineen: The Enneagram has helped me learn why I am the way I am. Being a 4, I value authenticity and feeling all the emotions. It has helped me understand why I've always felt misunderstood and different from others... and that it's okay. I now know why I am ok with being sad and feeling compassion for others who are sad. Being a 4 explains my empathy for others. I put myself in others position and try to relate to their pain. It also explained why Shane being a 9 didn't see things the same way as me.
We really could go so deep into all that this means... and maybe at some point we will. For now, we just wanted to share this thing that has truly had a transformative effect on our relationship. One thing we have both taken away from diving into the Enneagram is that it has validated so many of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It has aided us in getting to the "why" behind our personalities. By knowing ourselves better, it has given us the confidence and freedom to allow the other person the space they need to be absolutely themselves. It is so much deeper and more intimate than "women are this" and "men are that." It is a knowing and being known... which is vital to a healthy, life-giving realtionship.
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