An Awakening to Love 2.0

We have talked and dreamed about doing this for a while. We've even taken a step here and there. For myriad reasons, we've loaded the gun and cocked the hammer but have never fully pulled the trigger. (I must say... that gun analogy kinda does it for me.... even though I've never owned one and have only shot one a handful of times.) 

At any rate, today's post is to let you know we have taken a deep breath, assumed a strong stance, trained our scope on a target, and we're squeezing the trigger. (Last shooting analogy, I promise.)

We are launching An Awakening to Love. Everything we do will have the aim of having a conversation. While we are not licensed or formally trained counselors, we have been married for over 20 years. Both sets of parents have been married for multiple decades. We have been in and around ministry for a combined 87+ years. Jineen has certification as a relationship coach for women through Laura Doyle, author of The Empowered Wife. We have walked through life with couples both in pre-marital counseling scenarios and through the ups and downs of relationship and marriage. And we have seen our share of struggle, stress, break-of-trust, and uncertainty.

Okay, sales pitch over. Here's the point: we've been around the block, and we are passionate about having a brutally honest conversation around the most important element of all of our lives: relationships.

We would love for you to join us in this conversation. On this blog, we'd love for you to follow and comment. Then the easiest way for you to connect with us is to follow our Instagram account - @anawakeningtolove. Go there and hit the link in the bio. It will take you to links for our social media accounts, our blog and our podcast.

YES! I said podcast. This is what we're most excited about. We would love for you to listen, like and subscribe... and, most importantly, JOIN US IN THE CONVERSATION. Currently, it is on Spotify podcasts and a few other smaller podcast platforms. It will be on Apple podcasts soon. 

We will be having an ongoing conversation via our social media accounts. We will be posting podcast episodes and blog articles weekly. We are so excited about sharing our experience with you and hearing from you about yours. 

Looking forward to connecting,
Shane & Jineen

Vulnerability in Marriage

For many, vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. But the truth is vulnerability is the enemy of shame and fear. There is nothing weak about bringing the things that live in the darkness into the light. 

According to Brene Brown, vulnerability is the birthplace of everything we hunger for... 

Closeness. Intimacy. Being heard. Loving. Being Loved. It all begins with the risk of opening our hearts. This is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship and CERTAINLY in marriage.

So just a few things about vulnerability in marriage:

FOR VULNERABILITY TO EXIST, THERE MUST BE SPACE HELD FOR EACH OTHER. Cultivating an atmosphere of vulnerability and transparency begins with creating a safe space in which each person can share their struggle, needs, hurts and triggers without fear of judgment, retaliation, defensiveness or rejection. Are you a good listener? Is your default to take offense or assume you're being attacked? The goal here is simply to hold the space. To let your spouse know you hear them. To let them feel loved and accepted in the midst of their vulnerability.

FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY TO GROW, GRACIOUS RESPONSE TO YOUR SPOUSE'S COURAGE TO BE VULNERABLE IS VITAL. How you respond to your spouse expressing his/her needs is crucial. As with unconditional love, there is an element of giving and expecting nothing in return. Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. says satisfying your own emotional needs means putting your spouse's desires ahead of your own. This does not mean your needs are insignificant, but rather that we need to take responsibility for our own fulfillment. And the best way to do that is to consider and satisfy your spouse's needs first. Responding when your spouse expresses emotional and relational needs. Not that you can meet all of his/her emotional needs, but that placing their needs ahead of yours is the key. When both parties of the relationship are functioning from this posture, needs are being met, codependency is squashed and a robust, healthy partnership is formed.

VULNERABILITY MEANS TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU NEED, SHARING YOUR RAW EMOTIONS AND TAKING A RISK IN SPITE OF PAST WOUNDS.  Word of caution: talking about your needs is not synonymous with setting up expectations. Expectations can be killers. When we have an expectation that a husband or wife fulfill us, we set ourselves up for disappointment because no human being can satisfy another human being. Talking about your needs is simply communication. Letting your spouse in. Sharing raw emotions, taking emotional risks... it's all about knowing and being known... at our cores! 

Vulnerability in marriage might best be described as a flow. Both parties giving and receiving but expecting nothing. That flow gets clogged when we don't do the work of self-care. Stress, anxiety, disappointment and lack can all lead to victim mentalities which lead to looking outside of ourselves for comfort and approval. A consistent practice of self-care - silence, meditation, prayer, hobbies, etc. - helps us stay in touch with our tendencies, our insecurities, our triggers and keeps our emotional tanks filled. 

Vulnerability is the glue that holds a relationship together. 

Knowing and Being Known

What is it to love another's soul and go from two to becoming one? To be so intertwined that you know the other's thoughts before they get a chance to speak them? Love is unconditional. It is loving someone on their worst day. And we all have worst days.

An integral part of love is acceptance. In their book, "The Zimzum of Love," Rob and Kristen Bell deliver the premise that love (and, subsequently, marriage) involves each person contracting to create space for the other to flourish. Love does not enter into a relationship with prayers and plans to change the other person. Love is simply creating space in your world for another person to be who they are. It's an opportunity to love and be loved with no conditions. It's a chance to take the energy you might exert to control and manipulate (with great intentions, mind you) and transfer that over to self-care and seeing/trusting God in the other.

Shane:  I struggled with this concept early on in our marriage. I wouldn't say it this way then, but I think I thought if we could both respond to life that way I did, it would be much smoother sailing. I mean... not letting anything bother you is the way to win at life! Or so I thought. It's not anything I was setting out to do. It wasn't a laid out plan. I was simply trying to help her! Arrogant much? But what I was really doing was not hearing her. I was delivering a message that who she was wasn't going to work.

Jineen:  I went through a time where I tried to get Shane to be "my girlfriend." He would say, "You want me to be your girlfriend and that's not gonna happen." I didn't understand in the earlier years of our marriage how important my girl time was. Like a lot of women, I want to vent and discuss certain things repeatedly, and I learned that Shane wasn't wired that way. It wasn't that he didn't want to listen, but he doesn't have the emotional capacity to engage in conversation the same way I would with my girlfriends or my sisters. Early on, I didn't understand it and took it personally.

All we were ever taught were some of the key differences between men and women. And, sure, there is some merit to that discussion. However, it can also be harmful to use such broad strokes and generalizations to communicate the nature and character of beings who are innately unique and individualistic. So when we say things like... "Women are emotional" or "Men only think about sex"... we are using pre-determined labels that set us up with expectations that may or may not be met. It's been said that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. Going into a relationship with the idea that "women are this way" or "men are that way" can potentially be a setup for disappointment that the story didn't unfold the way we had dreamed. That the prince didn't run away with the princess. That the happily-ever-after we had assigned to our future turned out to be a tragedy full of let-down and resentment.

How then do we enter into relationship? What would it look like for us to walk into a relationship with our arms wide open saying... "I love and accept you for who you are with no conditions, and I am expecting nothing in return." Almost doesn't sound realistic. But that's what love is. And if both people would come to the table from that posture, it would be the beginnings of a relationship that did not revolve around dependency, co-dependency, jealousy, comparison and control. But rather, it would be a relationship built on acceptance, encouragement, creating a safe space for the other to thrive and walking this short journey we call "life" side-by-side.

We were introduced to something just a few years ago that we wish we had known about early on in our marriage. Don't worry... it's not a pyramid scheme. Or any other business plan we'd love to sit down and talk with you about. No, no. It's a typology of the human personality called the Enneagram. We don't presume to be revealing this as new information to you as it is now a commonly used tool, but rather to share our experience with it and how it has significantly improved the way we talk, relate and respond to one another.

The Enneagram is a model of nine interconnected personality types. We are not going to dig into the details in this post but wanted to share just a bit of how it has impacted us with the hopes of encouraging you to look into it. It is a beautiful tool for both helping you make some sense of why you are the way you are, and it will give you a glimpse into how and why your partner reacts, responds and views the world.

Shane is a 9 which is the Peacemaker. In general, Type 9's seek harmony and are inclusive, amiable, easygoing, comfortable and steady; they also can be self-forgetting, conflict-avoidant and stubborn. Jineen is a 4 which is the Individualist. Generally, Type 4's are idealistic, deeply feeling, empathetic and authentic; they also can be dramatic, moody and sometimes self-absorbed.

Shane:  Learning that I was a 9 on the Enneagram really put words to a lot of the ways I responded to different situations, how I interacted with other people, why I default to emotional shutdown, and so much more. It really has given me a greater awareness of why I am the way I am. Knowing that Jineen is a 4 has helped me see her for who she is. It has helped me avoid wanting her to respond and react to life the same way I do. Essentially, this awareness has helped me to let her be exactly who she is... and to celebrate the differences.

Jineen:  The Enneagram has helped me learn why I am the way I am. Being a 4, I value authenticity and feeling all the emotions. It has helped me understand why I've always felt misunderstood and different from others... and that it's okay. I now know why I am ok with being sad and feeling compassion for others who are sad. Being a 4 explains my empathy for others. I put myself in others position and try to relate to their pain. It also explained why Shane being a 9 didn't see things the same way as me. 

We really could go so deep into all that this means... and maybe at some point we will. For now, we just wanted to share this thing that has truly had a transformative effect on our relationship. One thing we have both taken away from diving into the Enneagram is that it has validated so many of our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. It has aided us in getting to the "why" behind our personalities. By knowing ourselves better, it has given us the confidence and freedom to allow the other person the space they need to be absolutely themselves. It is so much deeper and more intimate than "women are this" and "men are that." It is a knowing and being known... which is vital to a healthy, life-giving realtionship.

Intro to Us

Welcome to our blog and thanks for taking the time to check it out. We are Shane & Jineen Glover, and the idea for this blog was birthed out of so many conversations, experiences and lessons learned over the years - both what to do and what not to do. Conversations centered around what we have absorbed and observed over the course of 20+ years of marriage, relationship coaching, leading recovery groups and just overall loving, serving and doing life with people. 

Our hope is that we can encourage you, make you laugh, relate, let you know you're not alone and create a dialogue to discuss real, authentic life and all that it brings. 

The following is a transcript of sorts of a conversation we had recently about passion, what we have been created and molded to do in this life, gifts and desires God has given us and what the next chapter might look like for us. Jineen texted this to me, and I wanted to include it here because it gives you a glimpse into some of the "WHY" behind this blog:

I have a feeling we are made for so much more than we know and honestly more than our human minds can comprehend. We are made IN love, to BE love, FOR love, to RECEIVE love, to EXPRESS that love. It really is a simple concept yet one we can’t always seem to get quite right. We allow so many outside things to come between LOVE and separate us from our purpose here on earth. 

What I’ve learned about human nature is that we all want and need love. It is a God given desire and need and something we are all created to be able to give. Why do we make it so difficult? Our stories, upbringings and our own baggage, so often get in the way of our loving and eventually we find ourselves sad, lonely, empty and not feeling loved or knowing how to give it anymore.

We want to share how God has continued to show us His unconditional love, how we have learned, and sometimes learned the hard way, how to keep giving that love away... even when it’s painful. Together we can be an example to those around us of what it means to be love in ALL things and all circumstances even when it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. 


And this is the beginning of a conversation... between us and you. Conversations about deep and meaningful things... about the funny and the mundane... about joy and grief... about life. We would love for you to join us. We would love to hear your thoughts.

Shane & Jineen